If Mr. Hyde was an infertility patient

My husband has really been a trooper about all of the testing and doctor’s appointments. He’s even subjected himself to two separate sperm analyses at two separate labs – first at the bright and shiny new fertility clinic last summer, then again a few weeks ago at our current fertility clinic (the one that’s been open essentially since IVF has been around, 30 years).  Our current clinic wanted to do another test because “We have a little higher standards and look for different things than the other clinic does.”  Oh, okay. A mild embarrassment for him yet a relatively painless procedure, and compared to what I’ve been put through he didn’t complain.

He received his results on a Saturday, sent right to his online patient website.  One of the findings of this test was a term unfamiliar to both of us – “macrospermia.”  It isn’t exactly an easy term to find even on the internet, and it was often paired with or used as a synonym for “necrospermia.” And I’m pretty sure I can figure that one out without a dictionary.

Essentially, his sample was full of dead or really disfigured sperm.  Or, as he calls them, “Monster High sperm.”

Sidebar: Monster High is some kind of tv show that our niece is obsessed with; I think you could probably guess the concept from the title and the picture above.  Our niece has more MB dolls than Barbies and loves them, even if their hands and arms do tend to break off the doll at an alarming rate.  Or maybe it’s more true to character, if they’re all dead anyway?  That’s Clawdeen pictured above, just so you know.

And of course, you get this news and once again the tunnel-vision settles in: We could be dealing with a double whammy.

Given that his first test was “normal” at the other clinic, and this one was a huge fat zero, the doctor recommended that he repeat the test in a few more weeks.  This time at the clinic, rather than collecting the sample at home and bringing it in.

He’s a little excited about that idea just as much as he is skeeved out by it.  He’s had a peek at the collection room – comfortable lounge chairs, a television, a collection of magazines and movies.  You would think that a sperm bank would have the most efficient material available, and I think that’s what he finds interesting.  It’s more of an anthropological dig in his mind than it is a serious medical facility. I can’t wait for a full report – to find out if 50 Shades of Grey is included among the material for all the press it’s gotten in the last month.  I’d probably even read the book, just to join in the water cooler discussion, except I read a review that said it was Twilight fan fiction but with enough details to not get the author’s ass sued.

I’ll pass – I already have enough monsters in my life…

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