There are non-obvious side effects to being pregnant that either the books don’t want you to know or the women who give you advice conveniently forget to tell you to expect. For some people these effects will happen more quickly than others; for me, a lot of them have happened in the last few months. And for me, I’ve felt like the frog in slowly boiling water who realizes too late his sad, sad fate.
- You will no longer be able to cross your legs.
- Just when you think there is no way your abdominal muscles could stretch even more, they do.
- You could wake up with the baby all on one side of your stomach. Really.
- The baby might kick / punch the crap out of you just to get your attention.
- You will be unable to change your toenail polish on your own.
- You will learn to shave your legs with both hands since you will be unable to twist your waist.
- You will need help putting on your shoes. You may even have to sit down to do it.
- A day without heartburn feels as good as Christmas morning.
- The baby could move in a way that sends sharp pains down your legs.
- Driving will become precarious once you need to move further back from the steering wheel and you have trouble turning around.
- In the wintertime, you will be the warmest person in the room unless there is a menopausal woman experiencing hot flashes. You will think that the thin sweaters they sell you at the maternity store are worthless because they’re so light, but you would be wrong.
- You will swallow your pride and: take the elevator (up and down), have that extra slice of pie, allow a stranger to put groceries in your car, allow your husband to do the housework.
- Your dog will worry about you since you look so different; he or she may not even recognize you at first glance.
- You will want to prop your feet up everywhere you sit (especially once you can no longer cross your legs).
There are a few books out there that my girlfriends swore by that are supposed to be no-holds-barred, tell-all books that shed light on pregnancy. The one that I’ll endorse is Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs, which is a super-fast read (I think I read it in less than an hour). It was a little out of order chronologically, I think, but it was nice to hear that I’m not the only one who let out a sigh of relief when she switched over to maternity underwear.
Ladies, consider yourselves warned.